


It Wasn't Supposed To Be This Way

by realityisoverrated



Series: Infinite Love [117]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Depression, F/M, Heavy Angst, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Panic Attacks, Polyamory, Polyfidelity, Postpartum Depression, Sick Character, Sick Child, Smoaking billionaires, Toliver, flommy, olicity - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-17
Updated: 2017-06-17
Packaged: 2018-11-15 01:32:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11220471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/realityisoverrated/pseuds/realityisoverrated
Summary: Felicity Smoak has faced down Slade Wilson, survived imprisonment by the League of Assassins, and outsmarted Damien Darkh. She never imagined her most formidable foe would be herself.





	It Wasn't Supposed To Be This Way

**Author's Note:**

> This story depicts a polyamorous relationship between one woman and two men. If this is not something you are interested in, please stop and go no further. 
> 
> As promised, Felicity's postpartum from Felicity's POV. This fic has taken me ten months to write. It has been something I've had to set aside and pick back up and set aside and pick back up, over and over again. I have tagged this fic for postpartum depression, panic attacks, and a sick child. Both Nate and Prue have life threatening situations in this fic. Felicity is in a very dark place throughout this installment. If any of these situations are triggers for you, I ask you to carefully consider before reading. I will remind everyone that Felicity and the twins make it through this and we see them happy again in the near future.
> 
> Postpartum depression is unique to every woman who experiences it. This is Felicity's experience.
> 
> Felicity is a bit of unreliable narrator in this fic. Her perceptions of what is happening are being influenced by her depression.
> 
> This fic begins during the events of, Hope Is Believing In The Light When All You See Is Darkness - what happened to Felicity while Oliver and Tommy were in the NICU with the twins. 
> 
> This installment is 92/117. The installment list has grown too long for the notes section. You can now find the chronological list for the series, with hyperlinks, at http://archiveofourown.org/works/11051019
> 
> If you are new to the series, welcome.
> 
> Arrow and its characters do not belong to me.

Artwork by ENSM31

 

**Day 0**

Regaining consciousness was always disconcerting for Felicity. Normally, sound was the first thing that registered with her, and this time was no different. She could hear the steady beeps of a monitor and the whirring of a ventilator. Felicity’s heart began to race as she struggled to open her eyes. She blinked against the harsh fluorescent lights over her hospital bed. The sensation of the intubation tube caused her to gag and she cried out in pain as fire tore through her abdomen. She could feel herself begin to panic and her chest tightened as she struggled to breathe.

“Easy, Felicity,” Dr. Evans said as he leaned over her. “I need you to relax. You’re all right.”

Felicity grabbed onto the doctor’s sleeve with one hand as she pulled on the tape holding the tubing in place. She looked around the room for any sign of Oliver or Tommy. She needed the tube out so she could ask questions. The last thing she remembered was Oliver and Tommy going to look at the babies as the doctor sewed her closed. She remembered the sounds of alarms. Felicity pulled on the tube again. She needed to know if her babies were dead.

“I’m going to remove the tube, but I need you to listen to me. Okay?” he asked firmly.

Felicity nodded and blinked to force the tears from her eyes.

He redirected her hands to a pillow he placed on her stomach. “I need you hold the pillow against your stomach as you cough. You’ve had major surgery and the incision is going to cause you pain when you cough. Holding the pillow will make the pain manageable.”

She nodded again and held the pillow tightly against herself.

The doctor removed the tape, “On three. One – two – three.”

Felicity coughed as the ventilator tube was removed. The pain from her surgery was blinding and it took a moment for her to catch her breath. “The babies,” she gasped.

“They’re in the NICU with Oliver and Tommy,” he said kindly and sat on the edge of her bed. “I’ve been told they’re both doing well.”

Felicity began to cry with relief. The doctor held her hand and let her regain her composure. “You promised no ventilator,” she hissed angrily.

“I made no such promise. I told you, I’d do my best not to put you on it. You stopped breathing, Felicity. I needed to get you stabilized. The vent was our best option.”

“What happened?” she rasped.

“I’m not sure,” he admitted. “We’re going to run some more tests, but you have pneumonia, your body was under tremendous stress and you were receiving anesthesia.” The doctor pointed to her IV. “I’m pumping you full of antibiotics.”

Felicity looked skeptically at the IV, “I want to breastfeed.”

“Your milk won’t be in for a few days,” he stated. “When it comes in, we should have you off the antibiotics.” He held up a hand when she went to speak, “You have to be on the antibiotics, Felicity. We don’t have a choice. You are more important than breastfeeding. Formula isn’t the end of the world.”

“Your attitude hasn’t improved with age,” Felicity groused.

“I could say the same about you,” he teased. “I’m going to go speak with Tommy and Oliver and tell the nurse to bring in your babies.” He stood up and clasped her hand between his, “Congratulations. Don’t beat yourself up about this, Felicity. You fought like hell for them and lasted a lot longer than any of us thought you could.  No one could’ve done better.”

“Greg,” she called out to him when he reached the door.

He turned, “Do you need something?”

“No.” She smiled tiredly, “Thank you – for everything. I’m grateful.”

“You’re welcome. I’ll stop by a little later,” he said before slipping from her room.

Felicity pressed her shaking hands to her chest. Her heart was racing faster than it had when Slade Wilson held a sword to her throat. She was afraid, and she wasn’t entirely sure why.

 

**Day 1**

Felicity was lightly dozing when Kim, from the NICU, and Dr. Priya Surajhi, the lead pediatrician on Prudence’s team, entered the room. The doctor was in her early fifties and had a sense of calm about her that put Felicity at ease. The doctor smiled warmly at the tired looking parents. “Felicity, Tommy, Oliver,” she pulled up a chair, “I need to discuss Prudence with you.”

Felicity went numb and her vision blacked out and she could only hear buzzing. The feel of her oxygen mask and her bed reclining, brought everything back into focus. Kim was standing over her smiling, “Take a deep breath for me, Felicity. You’re having a panic attack.”

One of Felicity’s floor nurses entered and injected something into her IV line. Felicity felt her heart slow and her breathing became easier. She nodded at Kim who was still watching her, “I’m okay.”

Tommy and Oliver were white as ghosts as they stood at the foot of her bed. She held out her hands towards them, “Really, I’m okay.”

Doctor Surajhi sat on the end of Felicity’s bed and squeezed her foot, “First, Prudence is okay. She has a not unexpected problem that is common with many preemies. She is not able to coordinate sucking, swallowing and breathing.”

“She needs a feeding tube?” Oliver’s voice shook.

“She does.” Dr. Surajhi rubbed Felicity’s shin when she began to cry, “Felicity, this is a normal complication. Prudence will get the nutrition she requires and she will practice sucking. You can still hold her while she eats, so she will get to have her bonding experience with you.”

“What about Nate?” Tommy asked.

The doctor smiled warmly, “Nate is not having any issues. He’ll be able to breast or bottle feed without difficulty.” She redirected her attention to Felicity, “How’s your colustrum?”

“Not as good as it was with my other pregnancies. I’m not producing much,” Felicity said guiltily.

“Delayed production is also common for your situation. It’s been less than twenty-four hours since you gave birth, there’s nothing for you to worry about right now. We’ll start him off with formula and switch him over to your breast once you’re off the antibiotics. You’ll pump until then to make sure we encourage production.”

“Do you want to have Prudence fed in here while you’re feeding Nate?” Kim asked. “We can feed her in the nursery and one of her dads can hold her.”

Felicity looked at her husbands with her desire and they nodded their agreement, “I want her here with me.”

“Okay,” Kim smiled. “We’ll go get those beautiful babies ready and be right back.”

Felicity turned her head to look out the window. It was her worst nightmare coming true. At least one of her babies was having complications due to her weakness and she wasn’t going to be able to breastfeed for another week.

Tommy’s hand wrapped around the back of her neck and lifted her forehead to his, “I need you to stop. This is not your fault. Prue is going to figure things out and she’ll be sucking in no time. She is going to get the nutrition she needs through the tube until then. Of all the possible complications, this is one of the best.”

“I’d have preferred no complications,” Felicity bit out. At the wounded look on his face she shook her head, “I’m sorry, Tommy. That wasn’t fair. I know you know that and I know that you’re right. I just didn’t want them to suffer because of me.”

“They aren’t suffering because of you,” Oliver sat on the edge of the bed and took her hand. “They are alive and beautiful and loved. They are getting the best medical care. We’re all going to get through this.”

She looked back through the window, “Yeah.”

**Day 8**

“Bastards,” Tommy hissed as they turned down their tree lined street.

Paparazzi were scrambling to get into place outside of their brownstone.

Tommy’s cell rang, “Hey Donna. We see them. Hold on a second.”

“Someone at the hospital must have leaked you were discharged,” Oliver said to Felicity. “I’m going to take you to the mansion.”

“No.” Felicity made a fist and willed her heart to slow. “I want to sleep in my own bed. I want to see B2.”

“How do you want to do this?” Tommy asked Oliver. Parking on their street was going to be impossible.

“Tell Donna, to unlock the door,” Oliver instructed. “I’ll get out first. I’ll knock on the window for you to get out. You’ll help her out of the car and then we take our time going up the stairs. Okay?”

“Are you sure you don’t want to go to the mansion? We can get Lance to clear the street and come back later,” Tommy offered.

“No, let’s just get this over with,” Felicity said softly. It felt like an eternity since she’d last slept in her own bed. “I just want to go home.”

Oliver stopped the car as close to their home as possible. Their SUV was instantly surrounded. Tommy hung up his cell, “The front door is unlocked.”

Oliver turned back to look at Felicity, “Ignore them. They’re going to ask things about the twins – questions to provoke a response. Don’t react. Don’t let go of Tommy, no matter what.”

“Please don’t punch anyone,” Felicity pleaded. The last thing they needed was for Oliver to get arrested for assault.

Oliver smiled tightly, “I will do my best.”

“Thank you,” she said.

“Ready?” Oliver asked.

Felicity smiled bravely, “As I’ll ever be.”

Oliver stepped out of the vehicle. Felicity could hear him talking to the press, asking for them to show restraint and to be mindful that she’d recently had surgery. She could hear him threaten them with assault charges if anyone touched her. Oliver knocked on the window.

Tommy reached back and took her hand, “I love you.”

“I do too,” she said.

“It’ll be over in a minute,” he promised. Tommy opened the door and stepped into the street. Unlike Oliver, Tommy ignored the cameras as he pushed through the throng.

Tommy opened her door and carefully helped her down. He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and held her to his side. Oliver took position on her other side and they slowly made their way to their front door as questions were shouted at them.

_Felicity, how are you feeling?_

_Is it true you almost died?_

_How are the twins?_

_Which of you is the dad?_

_Are the twins expected to live?_

_Why aren’t the twins with you?_

_Is Oliver or Tommy the twins’ father?_

Felicity, Tommy and Oliver ignored the questions. Felicity focused on putting one foot in front of the other and trained her gaze on her feet. She could only go up the stairs one at a time and it seemed to be an eternity before they made it to the front door and Oliver let them inside.

“Mommy,” Bobby shouted as he ran towards Felicity.

“Hey, little man,” Tommy intercepted his son before he could launch himself at his mom. “What did I tell you this morning?”

“Be gentle with mommy,” Bobby said apologetically.

“Mommy had an operation and her stomach hurts,” Tommy reminded their son.

Tommy tilted Bobby closer to Felicity. She leaned forward and accepted a kiss from her son, “I missed you, monkey.”

“I’m going to move the car,” Oliver informed them. “I’ll be right back.”

“Hi, baby girl,” Donna said as she gently hugged her daughter. “Let’s get you settled in upstairs.”

“Where’s Becca?” Felicity asked.

“Poor little nugget wore herself out. She was beside herself this morning when we told her you were coming home,” Donna said with a smile. “She’s upstairs taking a nap.”

Felicity allowed Donna to guide her to the stairs. It was slow going, but Felicity finally made it to the top of the stairs. She was about to take another step when she noticed the nursery door open. Her heart began to race. “Mom, please close the nursery door.”

“What?” Donna asked with confusion.

Felicity took a gulping breath as she tried not to burst into tears. The thought of walking by the empty nursery filled her with dread. She was home and her babies were not. Felicity had a hollow pit in her stomach and could feel herself on the verge of a panic attack. “Please, mom. Close the door.”

“Okay, baby. I’ll close the door.” Donna quickly shut the nursery room door and then returned to Felicity’s side. “Let’s get you comfortable.”

“I just want to lay down for a few minutes,” she said through her tears.

Donna helped Felicity lower herself onto the bed and then removed her shoes. Donna stroked Felicity’s head, “Nate and Prue will be home soon. Everything is going to be all right.”

Hildy gingerly got onto the bed and laid down next to Felicity. “Hi, sweet girl,” Felicity stroked Hildy’s soft fur. “I missed you while I was gone. Did you miss me?”

Hildy’s tail softly thudded against the mattress.

Felicity closed her eyes and rubbed Hildy’s belly. She wanted to believe her mom was right. The twins would be home soon and their lives would return to normal.

 

**Day 15**

One week later, Felicity and her husbands were seated across from Dr. Surajhi in her office. The doctor had her usual serene smile on her face, “We’re not going to release Prudence with Nathaniel. She appears to also be allergic to the soy formula and is unable to keep it down.”

Oliver took hold of Felicity’s hand, “Where does that leave us?”

“I’m not producing enough milk to feed her,” Felicity said without emotion, “I pumped four ounces yesterday.”

“I know,” the doctor said sympathetically. “We have two options. We can try donor breastmilk or we can begin to try to supplement your breastmilk with a hydrolyzed formula and see how she does.”

“Hydrolyzed formulas don’t always work,” Tommy said with concern.

“That’s true, but there are several different formulations and I’m hopeful we will be able to find the one she responds the best to,” the doctor tried to sound reassuring. “Our main goal is to get her on Felicity’s breastmilk. The more Felicity pumps the more she will produce.”

“Is donor breastmilk safe?” Oliver took hold of Felicity’s hand.

“The donor milk is screened and pasteurized,” the doctor explained. “The main deterrent to using donor milk is the expense, which, I realize, is probably not something the three of you need to worry about.”

“What do you think, babe?” Tommy squeezed Felicity’s knee.

Felicity was tired. More tired than she ever remembered being in her entire life. The sense of failure was overwhelming. Felicity was unable to provide her children with the most basic thing a mother should, nutrition. She wasn’t producing enough milk for either of her children and she had one child who was literally starving because of her allergy to formula. She knew that Oliver and Tommy wanted her to make the decision, but she couldn’t think straight. She was sure that there was a right answer and that there were pros and cons that should help her make her decision, but she couldn’t think of a single thing. She looked at Tommy who was watching her expectantly. She helplessly shrugged her shoulders.

“I think we should start with the donor milk,” Tommy spoke for his spouses, “there’s less chance of Prue having a reaction, correct?”

“Yes, there is less chance for her to have a reaction to donor milk,” the doctor replied.

“Okay,” Tommy turned to look at Felicity and Oliver, “right?”

Oliver cleared his throat and said to the doctor, “Whatever you think is best for Prue.”

Felicity nodded and turned her attention back to her hands in her lap.

 

**Day 17**

Oliver’s cell ringing woke Felicity. It was late and her heart began to hammer in her chest. Tommy switched on his lamp as Oliver answered the phone, “This is Oliver.” He bolted from the bed and snapped his fingers at Tommy and mouthed, “Call Donna.”

Tommy grabbed his cell and rose from the bed. He disappeared into their bathroom and closed the door.

“We’ll be there in fifteen minutes. Thank you for calling,” Oliver put his cell down.

Tommy came out of the bathroom with his cell against his ear. “What’s going on?” he asked Oliver nervously.

“Nate’s spiked a fever of 104 and he had a seizure. They don’t know why.” Oliver pulled on a pair of jeans, “We need to get to the hospital.”

“Thanks, Donna,” Tommy said before hanging up his cell. “Donna and Quentin are already in their car. They’ll be here in five minutes.”

“Felicity,” Oliver said sharply. “Felicity.”

She blinked her eyes at her husband, “Yeah?”

He held out his hand, “You need to get dressed.”

“Right,” she took his hand and allowed him to help her from their bed. Her incision pulled and she hissed with pain. She was trying to process what she’d just heard. Nate wasn’t supposed to be the one she had to worry about. He was the strong baby. It made no sense that he had a fever. “He’s coming home tomorrow,” she said to no one in particular.

“Hey,” Tommy’s arms wrapped around her, “you’re shaking.”

She could feel herself shivering in Tommy’s arms. “I’m cold,” she said through chattering teeth.

“She’s in shock,” Oliver explained to Tommy. “Dress her in something warm. I’ll make a her a cup of tea to take with us.”

Felicity was vaguely aware of Oliver leaving the room and Tommy dressing her. None of it felt real. Her babies were still supposed to be growing, safe inside of her. They were supposed to be born strong and healthy and looking like cherubs. There weren’t supposed to be feeding tubes or high fevers or seizures. This couldn’t be real. She had to be having a nightmare. “This isn’t right,” she said with mounting panic. “This isn’t right.”

 

**Day 33**

“Careful,” Felicity said to Oliver and Tommy as they carried Nate and Prue up the front stairs to their brownstone. “Careful.”

To avoid the paparazzi, the hospital had released the twins in the middle of the night. The babies were sound asleep inside their carriers and completely oblivious to the excitement of arriving home for the first time.

Diggle held Felicity’s arm as she climbed the stairs behind her husbands. He’d insisted on accompanying them home from the hospital in case the paparazzi got wind of the twins’ late-night release.

The front door opened and Lance stepped to the side to allow their small procession to enter. “Everything quiet?” he asked John.

“No sign of the press,” Diggle answered.

Donna walked down the stairs holding Bobby’s hand and carrying Becca, “They were too excited to sleep.”

Bobby and Becca had not been able to meet their new siblings because they were in the NICU.

“Can I see the babies?” Becca asked.

“Of course,” Tommy placed the carrier he was holding onto the floor and knelt beside it. He held out his hand towards Becca, “Come say hi to your sister.”

Becca took Tommy’s hand and knelt beside him. She peered into the carrier, “She’s small.”

Becca reached out to touch Prue and Felicity said sharply, “Careful, Becca.”

Becca quickly withdrew her hand and looked up at Felicity with wide blue eyes that were filling with tears.

Tommy put an arm around Becca’s waist and smiled reassuringly at her. “It’s okay, sweetheart. You can touch your sister, you just need to be gentle. Okay?”

“Okay,” Becca agreed readily. She reached out slowly and touched Prue’s hand. She turned back to look at Felicity and smiled. “See mommy, I’m gentle.”

Felicity forced herself to smile, “I see that, baby.”

“Come say hi to Nate,” Oliver placed his carrier down and Becca eagerly looked inside.

“He’s small too,” Becca decided. She reached out to touch Nate but hesitated. She looked to Oliver for permission.

“You can touch him,” Oliver told her.

Becca touched Nate’s hand and jumped back when he stretched. She laughed nervously, “I woke him up.”

Nate began to cry and Oliver lifted the carrier, “I think it’s time for their next feeding.”

“Do you want to feed Prue and I’ll tuck these two in?” Tommy asked.

Felicity glanced at her skeletal looking daughter and shook her head. The last thing she wanted to do was hold Prue. She was terrified of breaking her. “I’ll tuck these two in.”

“I don’t want to go to sleep,” Becca whined.

“The babies will still be here in the morning,” Tommy promised Becca as he lifted Prue’s carrier.

“Come on, sweetheart,” Lance took Becca’s hand. “Your grandma and I will come upstairs and read you a story.”

Felicity watched Tommy, Oliver and Diggle walk into the kitchen.

Bobby took Felicity’s hand and led her towards the stairs, “I can read to you if you’re tired.”

“Thank you, monkey,” Felicity squeezed his hand, “I’d like that.”

**Day 44**

Tommy placed a screaming Prue into Felicity’s arms.  Felicity stared at the red faced infant and her heart began to accelerate.  Prue was six weeks old and only weighed five pounds five ounces.  She was a skinny baby without an ounce of baby fat.  Felicity could see every rib as her daughter took a deep breath to refuel her scream.  Prue felt brittle and like she could shatter into a million pieces if Felicity wasn’t precise with her every movement.  She glanced over at Oliver who was holding Nate and engaged in a one-sided conversation about the upcoming World Series and the Rockets’ chances of winning.  Nate had stopped screaming and appeared to be hanging on his dad's every word.

"Give me five minutes and I'll be back with their bottles," Tommy told them.

Felicity became lightheaded.  "Wait," she said to Tommy and held out Prue. "I’ll get the bottles." She tapped his chest with Prue and he instinctively took hold of his daughter.

"Oh, okay," he said with confusion.

Felicity rushed from their bedroom and practically ran down the stairs to escape the sound of Prue’s cries.  With a shaking hand, she removed the donor breast milk from the refrigerator. She placed two baby bottles onto the counter, but her hands shook too violently to fill them with milk.  She moved to the sink and splashed cold water onto her face.  The sound of Prue crying was worse than nails on a chalkboard and she covered her ears to block the noise.  Spots danced in front of her eyes and Felicity gasped for breath.

Felicity was aware that she was having a panic attack, but felt powerless to regain control.  She simultaneously felt like she was outside of her own body observing herself, and being crushed under the weight of her own fear.  A wave of nausea washed over her and she stumbled to the bathroom.

"Felicity," Oliver's concerned voice barely registered.

A cool cloth was placed on the back of her neck and roused Felicity. She was unsure how long she’d been in the bathroom.  She turned her head and was surprised to find Oliver sitting on the floor next to her.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

Exhausted, Felicity laid her head down in Oliver's lap.  "I was nauseous," she explained.

Oliver's fingers carded through her hair, "How do you feel now?"

"Tired," she admitted.  "I'm so tired."

“Come on," Oliver lifted her into his arms. "Let's get you back to bed."

Felicity knew she should protest. She should tell her husband that she wanted to help with the twins, but the truth was, she didn’t. She wanted to be as far from their cries and demands for her attention as she could get.

Tommy stood in the kitchen trying to feed a fussing Prue.  Felicity turned her head into Oliver's chest and closed her eyes.  The look of worry on Tommy’s face was too much.

"I'll be right back," Oliver promised their husband.

Oliver carried Felicity into their bathroom to brush her teeth.  He carefully watched her in the mirror.  Felicity could hear all the questions running through his head, especially the one he was most desperate to ask, are you all right?  She didn’t have any answers for him, because she didn't know them herself.

**Day 56**

Felicity’s car pulled up outside of QC.  It was her first official day back in the office since she'd collapsed and been hospitalized. She had stayed home the minimum amount of time the company permitted before allowing someone who had a caesarian to return to work. QC had a generous maternity leave – twenty weeks paid, but Felicity was taking only eight. As CEO, she felt it was critical for her to return, but she was also desperate to get out of the house.

The sidewalk was with teaming with reporters and her assistant, Jerry, surrounded by security, stood at attention, ignoring the press. Felicity sighed, “Isn’t there anything more interesting than me going on in the world today?”

"Would you prefer entering through the garage?" Jim, her driver and bodyguard asked.

"I have to face the gauntlet sometime, might as well be today," Felicity checked her lipstick in her compact.

"Yes, ma'am.  Wait for me," Jim said.

"Ma'am," Felicity said under her breath.  She was thirty-seven and hardly felt like that warranted a ma’am.  Yes, she now colored her hair more to cover her gray than because it was her preference to be a blonde, but that shouldn't earn her the moniker, ma'am.  Felicity considered asking for a new, older, bodyguard, but Dig would think she was being ridiculous.  It seemed unfair that being a mother of four rendered her undesirable and devoid of any other purpose in the eyes of the media.  Being fathers of four children had made her husbands even more sexually desirable to the press and the public, and they were forty-two. It was grossly unfair. All anyone wanted to talk to her about was motherhood, and she’d worked hard so she wouldn’t only be defined as being someone’s mom. 

The car door opening pulled Felicity out of her mental rant.  Jerry's smiling face greeted her, "Welcome back, Felicity."

Felicity took his offered hand, "Thank you, Jerry.  It's good to be back."

Felicity stopped halfway across the plaza and addressed the swarm of reporters with a prepared statement.  "Good morning," she smiled blandly.  "Thank you for greeting me with such enthusiasm this morning.  It's wonderful to be back at QC and resuming my work as CEO.  I want to thank my leadership team and my assistant, Jerry, for the superb work they did during my medical leave.  My family is, unfortunately, not unique, but we are extremely lucky.  My son, daughter and I received excellent medical care at Starling City Hospital without concern for expense.  Most families are not so lucky.  To that end, the Queen Foundation and the Rebecca Foundation will both donate $10,000,000 to assist families experiencing a medical crisis.  I'm looking forward to getting back to work and continuing to lead QC in developing technologies that will improve the lives of people everywhere.  I will take three questions." Felicity surveyed the crowd and found a reporter who could be trusted to only ask business questions.  "George."

“In your absence, the plans to merge Palmer Technologies with Queen Consolidated appeared to have slowed.  What are your plans to set this merger back on track?"

Felicity smiled with relief.  She could answer questions about her vision for QC all day.  "I assure you, George, and all of our shareholders, that the merger progressed, even in my absence.  We are excited to be adding Palmer Technologies biotech capabilities to our own.  I see great things ahead, and I'm excited."

"Bethany," Felicity selected the local anchor woman, who could be trusted to ask innocuous questions about the kids.

"How are the twins and how are you adjusting to being a mother of four?" Bethany asked.

"Nathaniel and Prudence are doing well.  Oliver, Tommy, and I would like to thank the teams of doctors and nurses who took such good care of us.  In particular, we would like to thank Dr. Surajhi and the team of nurses in the Starling City hospital NICU - led by Kim Lavoix.  We would also like to thank everyone who sent us notes of encouragement and support.  As for being a mother of four, it’s a lot harder than being a mother of two.”  There was polite laughter amongst the news crews.

"Last question." Felicity scanned the crowd.  Julie Chen, their publicist, was whispering in her ear to pick someone from the national news.  She didn't recognize anyone, so she picked a reporter holding a cable business news channel microphone.  "I'm sorry, I don't know your name," she pointed to a woman in a bright pink designer suit.

"Marlowe Manning, Lex Corps Business News.  How do you plan on losing the rest of your stubborn baby weight?"

"Excuse me?" Felicity ignored Julie who was trying to end the interview and lead Felicity inside.

Marlowe smiled, "Our viewers want to know how you plan to get back to your pre-pregnancy weight."

"Your viewers - viewers of a business news channel - want to know about my baby weight?"

"Yes."

"Really?" Felicity asked with complete disbelief.

"You have two men you need to keep interested, and my viewers want to know your plans to lose the weight."

"You can tell your viewers that my relationship isn't contingent on the numbers on my bathroom scale.  Motherhood and pregnancy are hard enough for women without us being judged for our weight and whether we lose it or not or how quickly we lose it."

"Thank you.  Ms. Smoak needs to get to a meeting," Julie put herself between Felicity and the press."

As soon as Felicity stepped inside the elevator her phone rang.  "Did you watch?" she asked her husbands.

"You did a good job," Tommy answered enthusiastically.

"No more interviews for the body shamer," Oliver said.  "You're perfect.  Don't listen to that woman."

"What century are we living in?" Tommy asked.

"I'm kind of surprised someone working for Lex Corp asked that question," Felicity said as she watched the floors tick by.  "LCBN never lets an opportunity to go by without asking me about military contracts."

"Forget about her," Oliver said.

"Have a good day, babe," Tommy said distractedly. "I love you."

The sound of Prue crying in the background set Felicity’s teeth on edge. 

"I love you, hon," Oliver said.  "Please eat lunch today."

"I love you too," Felicity stepped onto the executive floor and ended her call.

"Coffee?  Tea?  Smoothie?  Cabernet?" Jerry teased lightly.

Felicity laughed, "Remind me, no more press conferences.  I'd love coffee." There was no reason to deny herself coffee now that she'd abandoned any pretense of nursing.  Her milk not coming at least had a silver lining, coffee was back in her life.

Felicity sat down in her chair and leaned back.  It was a relief to be in her quiet and uncluttered office.  There wasn’t a Lego or rattle in sight.  Her office was, blessedly, silent.  She felt like she could finally breathe again and was now free of the obligations of her family.  Being around the constant needs of the twins was absolutely exhausting.

Jerry placed her coffee in front of her, "Ready to go over your schedule?"

Felicity sipped her coffee and looked at her tablet as Jerry reviewed her busy day.  The busier she was, the less time she'd have for self-recrimination.

Even as Jerry spoke, her mind kept drifting back to Marlowe Manning.  Felicity still had twenty-five pounds to lose.  She hadn't had sex with either of her husbands since the beginning of her second trimester - more than six months earlier.  It had been two months since she'd given birth, but the guys hadn’t so much as made a move to touch her.  After Bobby and Becca, she could barely keep their hands off her when the doctor gave the all clear to resume sexual activity.  She wondered if her husbands were turned off by her extra weight, stretched out tummy, sagging breasts and her new purple puckered scar. She didn’t feel sexy and wasn’t looking forward to being naked in front of her husbands.

"Felicity?" Jerry looked at her with concern.

"Yeah, sorry," she smiled tightly.  "Tell Curtis I need him to attend the meeting at two.  I want to know how the power cell is coming along for the bio stimulant chip.

 

**Day 78**

“I’ll get it,” Bobby leapt from his seat at the sound of the doorbell.

Quentin moved to block Bobby’s path, “In which universe are you allowed to open the door?”

“It’s William,” Bobby bounced on his heels with excitement.

“We’ll get it,” Quentin offered.

“Thanks, hon,” Donna said without looking up from her sewing. She was putting the final touches on Becca’s astronaut princess costume.

Felicity was trying to get Prue to take a bottle and failing at it. “Come on,” she whined at her daughter. “I know you’re hungry. You don’t want your dads to be mad when they get home. Eat.” Felicity looked at her mom, “She won’t eat.”

Donna looked up with a creased brow, “It usually takes her a few minutes to get going. Be patient.”

Felicity held out the bottle, “You do it.”

“I’m trying to finish Becca’s costume,” Donna lifted up the midnight blue tulle covered in glow in the dark stars.

“I’ll do it,” Samantha offered as she entered the kitchen with Quentin, Bobby and William.

“Sam,” Felicity said with confusion.

The smile on Samantha’s face fell, “He didn’t tell you. Oliver said it was okay for me to stop by since I was in town to see William. I can go.”

“No,” Felicity plastered a smile on her face. “Of course, Oliver told me. I just forgot for a minute.” Felicity did remember Oliver telling her something about William and Samantha while she was in the shower, but she hadn’t paid attention to the details.

Samantha approached Nate’s carrier and smiled at the sleeping baby. Tears filled her eyes, “Wow, he looks like William did as a baby.”

“He does?” Bobby asked.

Bobby peered at his little brother and then at his big brother and then his mom, “Did I look like William as a baby?”

“No,” Donna said as she continued to sew, “you looked like your mom.”

“Oh,” Bobby said with disappointment.

Nate was filling out and at ten pounds, he no longer looked emaciated. He resembled Oliver’s baby photos and William was the spitting image of his dad, so Felicity was unsurprised that Nate looked like a baby William.

Sam gently touched Prue’s chest and looked at Felicity, “I don’t mind feeding her if you need a break. Babies are so wonderful at this age. It seems like only yesterday William was a baby.”

William rolled his eyes, “Don’t get any ideas, mom.”

“Relax,” Sam smiled at her son. “Your dad and I are enjoying our empty nest.”

William wrinkled his nose.

Felicity’s heart raced at Sam’s words _, your dad and I_. Sam was referring to Richard, but an image of Sam and Oliver holding hands and enjoying an empty house, made her feel sick. She squeezed her eyes shut to clear the unsettling thought.

“You all right, sweetheart?” Quentin’s hand squeezed her shoulder.

“Yeah,” Felicity opened her eyes, “I have a little headache.”

Prue’s hand was wrapped around Sam’s finger. “Do you want to feed her?” Felicity offered.

Sam’s face lit up, “I’d love to. Thank you.”

Felicity placed Prue into Sam’s arms and handed her the bottle. She was relieved to have an acceptable excuse to hand off the baby. “She’s a fussy eater,” Felicity warned.

“That’s okay,” Sam said to Prue. “It just means I get to hold you longer.”

“Where are Tommy and Oliver?” William asked.

“Tommy didn’t like the pumpkin he bought to put the twins in,” Donna answered. “Oliver and Becca went along to help him decide.”

“Tommy’s putting the babies in a pumpkin?” William didn’t sound like he believed he heard Donna correctly.

“It’s for a photo,” Donna grinned. “Once they’re out of the pumpkins, they’re going to be sushi,” she held up two tiny sushi costumes. “I wanted a theme for everyone’s costumes, but I got outvoted.”

“He put me in a pumpkin too,” Bobby complained. “I was naked.”

William smiled, “Yeah, my mom took lots of naked baby photos too.”

“It’s so embarrassing. Da, wouldn’t want to have his naked picture taken in a pumpkin,” Bobby pointed out.

Quentin snorted and Donna and Felicity glared at him. It was clear he was thinking of all the tabloid pictures that existed of a naked and drunk Tommy. Quentin cleared his throat, “Embarrassing baby photos are a dad’s revenge for sleepless nights. They’re also good for blackmail when you start to date.” He ruffled Bobby’s hair, “I imagine that pumpkin photo will make a reappearance when you’re a teenager.”

“Don’t worry,” William reassured his brother. “Whichever girl you date, she’ll think you’re even more adorable.”

“Or boy,” Bobby said casually. “I might date a boy.”

William smiled, “I’m sure a boy will also find you in a pumpkin adorable.”

“Mom?” Bobby asked.

“Yeah, baby?” Felicity responded.

“You won’t let da show my girlfriend or boyfriend naked pictures of me in a pumpkin, right?” he asked hopefully.

She smiled sympathetically, “I promise.” When he sighed with relief she teased, “We’re saving those pictures for your wife or husband.”

Bobby frowned as all the adults laughed.

“You’re such a good girl,” Sam cooed at Prue. She removed the burp cloth from Felicity’s shoulder and draped it over her own.

“She finished?” Felicity asked with amazement.

Sam held out the empty bottle, “She must’ve decided she was hungry after all.”

Felicity took the bottle over to the sink to wash. Tears stung her eyes as she scrubbed the inside of the bottle. Everyone was a better mother than she was. Oliver would take one look at Sam holding his daughter and realize that he married the wrong woman. William was an incredible young man and that had everything to do with Samantha. Bobby and Becca were only amazing because of Tommy. If she was being honest with herself, Felicity’s only contribution to her family was running QC.

“Mommy?” Bobby tugged on her shirt. “Are you okay?”

Felicity looked at the worried face of her son and realized that she was crying in front of a roomful of people. Everyone was staring at her. She wiped her sleeve across her eyes and smiled at her son, “I’m fine, monkey. I just got some soap in my eyes.” She looked at her mom, “I’m going to go upstairs and rinse my eyes out.”

Felicity fled from the kitchen and ran up to her room. Breaking out into tears was a new development. She had to excuse herself from her last staff meeting because she began to cry during a presentation on bacteria that ate petroleum. Her panic attacks were bad enough without adding inexplicable crying.

“Felicity,” Sam knocked on her bedroom door.

Felicity rubbed her eyes, “Hey, did you need something?”

Sam hesitated for a moment before she stepped into the bedroom. She sat down next to Felicity, “When William was born, I cried all the time.  I was twenty-two, I’d taken a payout to lie about a miscarriage, and my baby’s dad died. I felt overwhelmed and like I was failing. I thought William would be better off with anyone but me,” she smiled shyly. “My parents kept telling me to get my act together – to stop being melodramatic. I didn’t want to be crying all the time, but the smallest thing would set me off. When William was five months old, I met this other mom in the bathroom at a department store. William and I were both crying. She bought me a cup of tea and I just cried as I told her all the stuff that was banging around in my head. She asked me if I’d asked my doctor about postpartum depression. I went to my doctor the next day and she prescribed anti-depressants. By the time William turned six months, I was feeling better. By the time he was seven months, I was feeling like myself again.”

“Postpartum depression,” Felicity felt strange saying the words out loud. She couldn’t have postpartum depression. “I didn’t have it with Bobby or Becca.”

“This is the first time you’ve had two babies at the same time. Every pregnancy is different,” Sam said kindly. “Have you talked to your doctor about how you’re doing?”

Felicity nodded, “I see doctors all the time. Checking on my c-section. Checking on my lungs.”

“That’s how you’re doing physically,” Sam gently bumped her shoulder into Felicity’s. “Maybe it would help to talk to someone about how you’re doing emotionally.”

“I’m fine.” Felicity sat up straight, “I’m just a little tired.”

Sam smiled, “Okay, then.” She rose to her feet, “If you ever need someone to talk to, you know where I am. Nate and Prue are beautiful. Thank you for letting me meet them.”

“You’re welcome,” Felicity responded.

The front door opened and closed. “The pumpkins have arrived,” Sam grinned.

Felicity could hear Tommy and Oliver talking in the foyer to William and Bobby. She couldn’t hear what they were saying, but they were laughing. “I’ll be down in a few minutes.”

“I’ll let everyone know you’re freshening up,” Sam offered.

Felicity laid down on the bed and thought about what Sam had told her. She hadn’t even considered postpartum depression because she didn’t have it with her first two pregnancies. She’d assumed that the panic attacks were from her near-death experience and from worrying about the twins. Now that the twins were home and doing well, she expected her anxiety to subside. Felicity forced herself to get up. It was Halloween, and she was expected to play her part.  

 “Hey, babe,” Tommy said softly from the doorway.

Felicity took one look at her husband and the composure she regained fell apart. “I think there’s something really wrong with me,” Felicity admitted through her tears. “I don’t know what to do.”

Tommy instantly engulfed her in his arms. He rested his chin on the top of her head, “We’re going to figure it out – all of us – together.”

 

**Day 104**

The Emergency Room of Starling City Children’s Hospital was the last place anyone should be in the early morning hours of the day after Thanksgiving. Felicity stood between her husbands, dressed in their pajamas, as they listened to two doctors explain why Prue had awoken them with bloodcurdling cries at two in the morning. They’d rushed to her bassinet to find her vomiting and burning with fever. Tommy had clutched Prue to his chest like a football and followed Oliver in a run. Everything had shifted to slow motion as she stumbled after her husbands. She watched as Oliver spoke with William on the stairs but she couldn’t understand what he was saying. Even after they arrived at the hospital it was like she couldn’t understand the words being spoken to her.

Felicity turned to Tommy who had covered his head with his hands and stepped away from them. Felicity jumped when Oliver took her hand. She looked down at their entwined fingers and looked back at him with confusion. Something was happening, but she couldn’t get her brain to engage. The two doctors walked away and Oliver grabbed Tommy and pulled him close. Tommy wrapped his arms around both of his spouses. Felicity could feel Oliver’s chest rumble but she couldn’t hear a word he was saying. She began to panic that she was having a stroke. Her heart began to race and she gasped for breath. She was suddenly in motion and Oliver was pushing her into a chair and forcing her to put her head between her legs. Tommy began to rub circles on her back. She heard the roar of freight train in her ears before the sounds of the hospital came rushing back.  

“Breathe, Felicity,” Oliver said softly. He began to count quietly and she dutifully inhaled and exhaled as he instructed.

Once her breathing returned to normal she sat up and sipped from the cup of water Tommy held in front of her. “Better?” he asked with concern.

“What’s happening?” Felicity looked between her husbands for answers.

Oliver narrowed his eyes for a moment before his face softened, “Prue needs surgery.”

“Surgery?” Felicity didn’t think that could be right. Prue wasn’t even four months old and entirely too small for surgery. “That can’t be right.”

“Felicity,” Oliver squeezed her hands. “She has something called an intussusception. Her intestine has telescoped into itself. Her tissue is beginning to necrotize which is what is causing her fever to spike. When they did the ultrasound,” his voice broke, “they also found what looks to be a tumor.”

“A tumor?” Felicity sprang from her chair and began to pace. None of this was right. Prue and Nate had barely been home from the hospital for two months. They were supposed to be okay. Everything was supposed to go back to normal. They were supposed to be moving on with their lives and putting the last two years behind them. “That can’t be right. Prue is fine. That’s what they told us when we brought her home.”

“They think the reason she hasn’t been gaining weight is because of the tumor,” Tommy told her.

“No,” she said angrily. “Our daughter doesn’t have a tumor. That’s not possible.” As the word tumor left her mouth another word popped into her head, “Cancer. Is it cancer?”

“They can’t say. They have to do a biopsy,” Oliver’s eyes welled with tears.

Felicity looked between her husbands. They’d been crying. They were crying. She touched her face and confirmed her suspicions. She wasn’t crying, but she should be crying. She’d just been told that her daughter required surgery to remove part of her intestine and a tumor. A proper mother’s reaction would be tears, but Felicity wasn’t crying. She stepped away from Oliver and Tommy and returned to Prue’s room.

A nurse was adjusting Prue’s IV when Felicity entered. The nurse smiled kindly at her, “The painkiller is working and she’s comfortable.”

Felicity peered into the crib at her daughter and felt nothing. It wasn’t as if she felt like she was looking at a stranger’s child it was like she was looking at a doll – a thing, not a person. She reached out a tentative finger and touched Prue’s cheek to be reminded that she was alive.

Oliver’s hands landed on Felicity’s shoulder’s and he pulled her back against his chest. “Are you okay?” he whispered.

“When is the surgery?”

“They’re trying to lower her fever and get antibiotics into her. The surgeon we need is on his way from San Francisco. I sent the helicopter,” Oliver explained.

“Can she wait that long?” Felicity picked up Prue’s small hand.

“They are monitoring her. If she deteriorates, a different surgeon will begin the operation.” Oliver leaned over the crib and kissed the top of Prue’s head. “Everything is going to be okay.”

“Where’s Tommy?” she asked when she realized he wasn’t with them.

“He’s filling out paperwork,” Oliver responded curtly.

Felicity turned to look at Oliver, his jaw was ticking. He was angry with Tommy, “What happened? Why are you mad at Tommy?”

“She was fussing after dinner. She had a fever,” Oliver responded.

Both statements were true. What went unsaid was the fact that Tommy said to give Prue a dose of baby Tylenol and that she’d be fine. “Babies get fevers all the time. He had no way of knowing.”

“I know,” Oliver said tightly. “It’s just easier to be angry with him than accept this is happening.”

Felicity knew she should tell Oliver to apologize to Tommy. She knew she should check on Tommy. She knew all the things that were expected of her, but she couldn’t seem to bring herself to do any of them. She put Prue’s hand down and sat down. Felicity allowed her eyes to lose focus and she blocked out her surroundings.

 

The chair beside Tommy creaked and he didn’t need to open his eyes to know who had sat next to him. Donna’s sweet perfume hung in the air and the scent was oddly comforting. He turned his hand palm up and she slid hers inside his. They sat, side by side, hand in hand in the hospital’s small chapel.

“I keep thinking about the story of Passover,” Tommy said in hushed tones.

Donna squeezed his hand, “Dayenu.”

He turned to face his mother-in-law with tears streaming down his face, shocked that she knew exactly what he’d been thinking. He nodded, “It had been enough, but I kept pushing and pushing. I was selfish.”

“Oh, baby,” Donna pulled Tommy into her arms. “This isn’t your fault.”

“I wanted Felicity and Oliver’s child so badly, I dismissed his worries – about our children, about Felicity, about himself.” Tommy took a shuddering breath, “If Prue dies.”

“Sshh,” Donna pulled back to look at him. “Prue is a fighter – just like her mom and dads. Wanting to have a child isn’t selfish.”

“I had more than I ever wanted and I still wanted more. What if this is happening because of me?”

“That’s not how God works. He’s not punishing you because you wanted to have another child.”

“The chaplain told me that I should focus on what I have, be grateful for having Prue for as long as God lets us have her. Focus on her life not her…” He dropped his head again, “It’s not enough. I want more. I want everything. I want her first words, first steps, first day of school – all of it.”

“We all do, baby,” Donna squeezed his hands.

“If we lose her, we won’t survive this,” Tommy said with certainty. A sense of panic clawed at his chest as he felt his life slipping through his fingers. Since he entered his relationship with Oliver and Felicity, life had been better than he ever dreamed possible. He feared that his life had come at a terrible price, and now it was coming due. Other people laid in their graves because he wasn’t strong enough to do what was necessary and his daughter was now paying for his sins, “I could’ve saved all of those people and I didn’t. What if this is God’s punishment?”

Donna’s eyes narrowed in confusion, “God doesn’t hurt a child to punish her father.”

God might not punish a child for her father’s sins, but he wondered if it held true when the sins were her fathers and mother’s. Prue’s parents had a lot of blood on their hands.

Donna brushed the hair from his eyes, “Terrible things happen to good people. Felicity got sick, that’s not your fault.”

Tommy dropped his head into his hands. Felicity had gotten sick because of what happened with the League of Assassins and the League of Assassins was his fault. Felicity wouldn’t have had a target on her back if it hadn’t been for his dad. A cold rage coursed through his blood and stemmed his tears. He sat up straight and wiped the tears from his eyes, “This isn’t my fault. It’s my dad’s.”

Donna’s eyes narrowed in confusion, “Your dad? Sweetheart, your dad’s dead.”

Tommy laughed bitterly, “Yeah, he will be.” He squeezed Donna’s hand, “I’ve got to go.”

“Wait, where are you going?” she asked following him.

“Tell, Ollie and Felicity,” he paused. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to say – that he was sorry - that he loved them - that he’d be back? “Tell them that everything is going to be okay.” He smiled at Donna, “Everything is going to be fine.”

 

Oliver turned around at the sound of Donna’s high heels rapidly clicking across the linoleum. The look on her face put a pit in his stomach. He looked at Felicity who was sitting with Thea. She hadn’t spoken a word or moved from her spot staring out the window since the surgery began. Oliver crossed the waiting area and intercepted Donna, “What’s wrong?”

Donna wrung her hands, “I found Tommy in the chapel. He was praying. He blames himself for all of this.”

Oliver looked over at Felicity. He was ashamed of himself for taking his fear out on Tommy. “Will you stay with Felicity? I’ll go to the chapel,” he told Donna. He’d been unfair to Tommy and should let him know that he didn’t blame him for Prue’s condition.

“Hon, he’s not in the chapel.” Donna grabbed his arm, “He got eerily calm and started talking about how this is his dad’s fault – like he’s still alive and that...”

“What?”

“Well, hon, he sounded like he planned on killing his dad – which is crazy, right?” Donna laughed, “Of course it’s crazy. Tommy can’t kill a dead man and well, Tommy’s Tommy. He couldn’t kill anyone.”

 “Oh,” Donna said with wide eyes, “he also wanted me to tell you that everything is going to be all right.”

“Thanks,” Oliver said with increasing dread, “I’ll take care of it.”

“Sure, hon,” she said with a small smile. “I’m going to see if Felicity needs anything.”

“Everything all right?” Dig materialized in front of Oliver.

Oliver watched Donna sit next to Felicity and take her hand. He turned his attention to his friend, “Dig?” He knew that John had heard his conversation with Donna.

“Does he know how to get in touch with Malcolm?” Dig asked quietly.

Oliver shook his head, “I want to say no, but I don’t know.”

“Is he wearing his tracker?”

“He should be.”

Dig clasped Oliver’s shoulder, “I’ve got this. You stay with Felicity and I’ll knock some sense into your guy.”

“Thanks.” 

Tommy stood in front of the memorial to the victims of the Undertaking with a baseball cap low over his eyes. The sky was overcast and the reflecting pool was the color of the ocean after a storm. He silently read the names of his father’s victims and when he got to Laurel’s he kissed his fingertips and placed them over her name. “You’ve been following me,” he said to his shadow.

“You worried Donna, which worried Oliver,” Dig said. “Didn’t expect that this is where we’d end up.”

“That makes two of us,” he said as he removed his fingers from the memorial. Ignoring Dig, he continued to silently read the names of the dead. When he finished, Dig was patiently sitting on a bench.

Tommy slowly crossed the small plaza and joined Dig, “Ollie sent you.”

“Even if he hadn’t, I would’ve come looking for you,” Dig clapped Tommy on the back. “We’re family and when you start talking about Malcolm, I go to red alert.”

“I was going to leave word for him. I was going to tell him that I wanted to see him,” Tommy said as he studied his shoes.

Dig leaned forward and rested his arms on his legs, “Your daughter is in surgery, why do you want to talk to Malcolm?”

“This is all his fault. If he hadn’t killed all these people, the League wouldn’t have been looking for him. Ra’s wouldn’t have taken Felicity. Her lungs never would’ve been damaged. She never would have developed pneumonia and had to deliver early. The twins would’ve been born full term. Prue wouldn’t need this surgery. Hell, if the Gambit didn’t sink, Ollie wouldn’t have needed fertility treatments.”

“Oliver said that Prue’s condition wasn’t caused by her premature birth.”

“The doctors don’t know if her condition was caused by her premature birth.”

“You know, it’s not your fault either,” Dig said sincerely.

Tommy turned to Dig in challenge, “Oliver doesn’t agree.”

Dig let out his breath, “Oliver is scared. He’s worried about Prue and Felicity. He’s taking it out on you. He knows this isn’t your fault, even if he’s turning his anger onto you.” Dig stared at Tommy for a minute, “Did you contact your dad?”

“I thought I wanted him dead, but I don’t. Death is too good for him. I want him to suffer. I want him to feel all the fear and pain he caused me. I want him to experience their fear and all the pain and suffering he caused these people and their families. I want him to understand that, because of him, my baby is fighting for her life. For once, I wanted him to feel what I was feeling and it terrified me.” Tommy took a deep breath, “I came here because I needed to be reminded why it’s important I never become him. I can never give in to my anger and hate.” He looked at Dig, “Don’t tell Felicity I said that, I’ll never hear the end of the Star Wars’ references.”

“You’re nothing like your father,” Dig said gently. “You’re a good man, Tommy – a complete pain in the ass, but a good man. None of this is your fault. Your dad did all of this and all of his victims deserved better than what he gave them, including you.”

“If I’d pulled the trigger,” Tommy covered his eyes with his shaking fingers.

“Even if you’d pulled that trigger,” Diggle gestured towards the wall, “all of those people would still be dead. Oliver, Felicity and I, we missed that there was a second device. That wouldn’t have changed if you shot him.”

“Maybe, but if I’d shot him, Felicity never would’ve been taken by the League.”

“What if, is a dangerous question. It’s a trap for anyone who dares to ask it. We don’t get another shot at our choices. We only get to live with the consequences. The only thing we can do is to learn from our choices and try to make better ones in the future.” Dig squeezed Tommy’s shoulder and stood up, “Your choice now is to return to the hospital and be there for your family or lose yourself to a vendetta with a man who isn’t worthy of licking your boots.”

Tommy stared at the memorial as he weighed his options. Confronting his father would be a waste of time. Tommy couldn’t beat his dad and Malcolm would never understand the pain he’d caused. His daughter was in surgery, fighting for her life. His husband and wife were terrified as they waited for news and he was running around Starling like an emotional teenager. His family needed him to be strong. He didn’t have the luxury of falling apart. He turned to Dig, “I’m ready to go back.”

Dig clapped him on the back, “I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but this family is going to pull through.”

Tommy hoped their friend was right.

 

Felicity jumped at the sound of her name and the feel of someone’s hand on the back of her neck. She blinked her eyes to bring them back into focus. Tommy and Oliver were looking at her with confusion. “Did the surgery start?”

Oliver knelt in front of Felicity and took her hands, “Hon, the surgery is over. It’s been five hours.”

“Oh,” she said. It felt like she’d just sat down. Felicity wasn’t aware that so much time had passed. “Is she okay?”

Oliver stood up and helped her to her feet, “The surgeon wants to speak with us.”

Felicity stood between her husbands as the surgeon spoke to them. Once the doctor told them that Prue was still alive, she stopped listening. She could hear Tommy and Oliver ask the doctor questions, but she didn’t register what they were. Tommy’s hand was on the small of her back and normally it would be a steadying presence that tethered her to the world, but she could barely feel it. She could barely feel anything. Her daughter nearly died and Felicity hadn’t felt anything. She hadn’t been afraid or worried. If anything, she felt resentful for having to spend time in the hospital. She hated hospitals and she wished she could leave, but she knew if she told her husbands that she was going home, they would look at her with disappointment. Disappointment had become their default setting when it came to her. Nothing she did or said was good enough. They wanted her to engage with the twins and she wanted to be as far away from them as possible. When she held them, she didn’t feel love or pride. She felt shame at her failure. She’d failed her children and thereby failed her husbands. Felicity Megan Smoak wasn’t the type of person to fail at something. She was the type of person to graduate from MIT with two master’s degrees at twenty. She was the type of person who ran a multi-billion-dollar company listed on the DOW. There was nothing Felicity couldn’t accomplish by working hard and using her brain – until now. She failed to carry a pregnancy to full term. She failed to produce enough milk to sustain her children. Her daughter had a tumor and that had to be Felicity’s fault. Felicity racked he brain as she tried to think of what she’d done wrong with her prenatal care to cause her daughter to be ill. It had to be stress. Stress wasn’t good for the baby. She hadn’t been calm enough once she’d been hospitalized.

“What about the tumor?” Felicity interrupted the surgeon.

The surgeon looked between Tommy and Oliver, before addressing Felicity, “We will need to wait for the biopsy results, but to my eye, it looked like a benign tumor.”

“Not cancer,” she whispered.

“I don’t think so, but we need to wait for the final report. I put a rush on it. We should know by morning,” he explained.

From the look on the doctor’s face, it wasn’t the first time he was sharing this information “Thank you. May I see her?”

The doctor nodded and Tommy and Oliver placed a hand onto her back to set her into motion. They followed the doctor into the recovery room. A small crib was surrounded by monitors and tubes. In the center of the mass of tubes and wires was a baby that was completely unrecognizable to Felicity. The baby was naked, except for a hat. Her eyes were taped shut and she had gauze wrapped around her stomach.

Felicity backed away from the crib even as Tommy and Oliver drew nearer. They both touched the baby’s small hands and spoke to her. Felicity needed air. She couldn’t take another second of listening to the beeping of the machines.

“Felicity,” a familiar voice said, “why don’t we step out for a moment?”

Felicity looked away from the baby to see Kim, the head nurse from the NICU. “Okay,” Felicity agreed quietly.

Kim guided Felicity into the hall, “Can I get you anything?”

“No, thank you,” Felicity said shakily.

“It’s a lot to take in. All those wires and tubes can be scary,” Kim gently steered Felicity into a chair.

“I don’t like needles,” Felicity said in what she thought had to be the reason for her behavior.

“Prue is going to be back in the NICU with me and my team. We’re going to take really good care of her,” Kim promised.

“Thank you,” Felicity said mechanically.

“Do you have any questions?” Kim took Felicity's hands.

“She’ll be in pain when she wakes up,” Felicity stated.

“We’ll manage her pain,” Kim squeezed Felicity’s hand.

“Newborns shouldn’t get tumors,” Felicity said staring at the recovery room door.

“No, they shouldn’t,” Kim agreed, “but they do. Felicity, this isn’t your fault.”

“Everyone keeps saying that,” Felicity told the nurse. She gestured towards the door, “But, this has to be someone’s fault, right? I’m her mom. I was supposed to keep her safe.”

“Felicity, I promise you, none of this is your fault.” Kim reached into her pocket and pulled out a small notebook and pen. She wrote down some information and handed it to Felicity, “This is the number for Dr. Emily Mathers. She helps moms experiencing similar things to what you’re going through right now. It might be helpful to speak with her.”

Felicity looked at the paper and folded it four times before placing it in her pocket, “Thank you.” She stood up, “I’m going to go give my mom an update. I’ll be right back.”

 

Felicity sat on the tree swing in their garden and stared at her feet. Hildy was sitting with her head in Felicity’s lap and her large brown eyes stared mournfully at her. She rubbed Hildy’s velvety ears between her fingers and tried not to think about Prue.

The house was suffocating. Lyla and Roy were inside watching the kids and had been hovering over her from the moment she walked in the door. She’d finally told them she needed to lay down, but her head wouldn’t stop racing when it touched her pillow. She’d snuck past them and out into the garden. The garden was quiet and she could stretch her hearing and focus on the sounds of cars driving past and the mournful cries of the foghorns on the bay.

The garden lights suddenly turned on and Felicity covered her eyes with her arm. “Lights,” she snapped and they immediately turned off.

“Jesus Christ,” Tommy said as he ran across the garden, “you had us worried sick. Are you okay?” Tommy’s hands braced on her thighs as he squatted in front of her, “Babe, what are you doing? You’re only in your pajamas - Jesus, where are your shoes? It’s freezing out.” He touched her arms, “You’re ice cold.”

“I’m not cold,” she shrugged.

Tommy placed an arm beneath her knees and another around her back and lifted her into his arms, “Let’s go inside.”

“Put me down,” she told him as they crossed the garden. “I’m too heavy. I haven’t lost the baby weight,” she said with embarrassment.

“You’re fine,” he told her as he carried her up the garden steps.

“Is she all right?” Roy asked as he opened the back door.

“Yeah,” Tommy said as he walked past his brother-in-law. “Do me a favor and call Ollie. Tell him she’s okay and I’ll call him in a little bit.”

“Sure,” Roy replied.

Lyla was standing in their bedroom when they arrived, “I drew you a hot bath. Do you need anything else?”

“No, thank you,” Felicity said without looking at her friend.

“I’ll be downstairs if you need me,” Lyla told Tommy.

“Thank you,” he said.

Tommy placed Felicity on her feet in the bathroom. He removed her pajamas and helped her into the tub. He pulled off his sweater and sat on the floor next to the tub. “You left your purse and cell with your mom at the hospital. We had no idea where you went. Kim said you were going to talk to your mom, but your mom said she hadn’t seen you.”

“I decided to come home,” she offered without looking at him. “I took a cab. Roy paid the driver for me.”

“Without telling us?” Tommy tilted her chin up. “Felicity, talk to me.”

She couldn’t bear the intensity of his scrutiny and closed her eyes, “I couldn’t be there any longer.”

“Okay,” he said quietly. “Let’s get you cleaned up and into bed.” He placed a clean washcloth into the water and squirted some of her favorite bodywash onto it. Tommy sang softly to her, as he gently ran the cloth of over her and spent some time on her feet. He held out a large bath towel, “Come on, babe.”

Felicity slowly rose out of the tub and the sound of her breaching the water was deafening to her ears. Tommy wrapped the large fluffy towel around her and helped her from the tub. Nate began to cry and they both looked towards the door. “Will you?” she asked.

“Yeah, I’ll be right back,” he kissed her forehead.

Felicity slowly dried herself and put on a clean pair of pajamas. She climbed into bed and turned off the lights. Hildy joined her on the bed and rested her head on Felicity’s shoulder. Felicity lay in the dark staring at the ceiling. When Tommy returned to the room, fifty minutes later, she slowed her breathing and took deep and steady breaths. He must’ve been satisfied that she was asleep because he stepped into their bathroom to make a phone call.

“Ollie,” he said softly. “How is she?” He listened to whatever Oliver was saying about Prue before he spoke again, “Okay, that’s good news. Felicity is asleep,” he paused, “but, Ollie, something is really wrong. We can’t keep pretending that it’s just stress. She’s like a zombie. We need to talk to someone about a change in treatment.” Tommy went quiet as he listened, “Ollie, it’s more than just being worried about the twins. I’m telling you, I think it’s getting worse. Roy said she didn’t ask about the kids when she came home – she didn’t look in on them.” Tommy didn’t speak for a few minutes, “Yeah, I sent Roy and Lyla home. I’ll get Bobby and Becca up in the morning and then I’ll come to the hospital. Paul and Curtis said they’ll watch the kids in the morning. You can come home, shower and maybe sleep for a little bit, before coming back. Donna said she and Quentin will come tomorrow afternoon and spend the night.” There was a brief pause, “I don’t know. I’ll ask her to come with me, but I don’t think we should force this until we talk to someone.” He waited a beat, “I love you too. Give Prue a kiss from me. I’ll see you both in the morning. I love you.”

Tommy moved quietly in the dark and changed into his pajamas. He slid into bed behind Felicity and she did her best not to stiffen as he spooned her. He kissed her shoulder and whispered, “I love you, Felicity. Oliver does too. There’s nothing you can tell us that will stop us from loving you. There’s nothing we can’t face together.”

Felicity continued to pretend she was asleep and didn’t respond, because she knew that if her husbands knew the truth, they’d hate her.

**Day 112**

Felicity was convinced that she was woken by the silence.  The children were all asleep and her bed was empty.  A small sliver of light spilled onto the bedroom floor from their bathroom.  She heard the shower running, and Oliver and Tommy speaking in hushed tones.

Felicity quietly left their bed and moved to the bathroom door.  From the crack in the door she could see the mirror over their sinks and Tommy and Oliver's reflections.  They were wrapped around one another and kissing each other slowly.  She watched as Tommy dropped a hand from Oliver's neck and slipped it between them.  Oliver thrust into Tommy’s hand and he deepened their kiss.  Oliver grasped Tommy, causing his husband’s head to drop to his shoulder.

Tommy spoke too softly for Felicity to hear over the shower.  Her husbands were being careful not to wake her. Oliver lowered his mouth to Tommy’s ear and whispered words that Felicity could easily guess. Over the years, Felicity had seen her husbands together enough to recognize what she was witnessing. This wasn’t a frenetic display of desire, but a tender moment of reconnecting. A moment she was being excluded from.

Felicity watched her husbands give and take pleasure, and she felt nothing.  There would have been a time when she would've made her presence known and joined them.  Physically, she was healed.  The doctor had cleared her to resume sexual activity, but she had zero desire.  It was strange.  There had never been a time when she hadn't felt desire for Oliver and Tommy.  Even after giving birth to Bobby and Becca, her spirit had been willing, even when her flesh wasn't.  Logically, she knew her loss of desire was a side effect from all the medication she was taking.  Her doctor had even switched the medication she was on in an attempt to restore some of her libido.  Her therapist thought that the feel-good hormones from sex might help her depression, but Felicity had deteriorated with the switch in meds, so she'd gone back to the libido killer.  Numb was the best way she could describe how she felt.  She wasn't happy or sad, she just - was.

The movements between Tommy and Oliver grew more urgent.  Oliver softly cried out Tommy’s name and kissed him sloppily.  A few moments later, Tommy stilled.  Her husbands stood under the falling water and held each other close.  Felicity moved away from the door before they became more aware of their surroundings and noticed her.  She returned to their bed, closed her eyes, and returned to a dreamless sleep.

 

**Day 115**

Felicity eyes blinked open. Daylight was visible around the edges of her blackout curtains. She stretched out her senses and could hear movement in the kitchen. She rolled over and wrapped her arms around Hildy, closed her eyes, and fell back to sleep.

 

**Day 118**

“Hon,” Donna said sitting beside Felicity on the bed. She ran her fingers through her daughter’s matted hair. “Let’s get you up and into the shower. You’ll feel better.”

Felicity rolled away from her mom and faced the other direction. She drew her knees up into her chest and tucked her fists beneath her chin. Hot tears rolled down her cheeks, but she wasn’t sure why.

 

**Day 121**

The smell of banana chocolate chip pancakes, bacon, and coffee wafted through the house. Tommy had pulled out all the stops to lure her downstairs. Felicity’s stomach growled, but her body refused to move. She closed her eyes and dreamed of laying on a riverbank with the sun sparkling off the clear water.

 

**Day 124**

The mattress dipped at the foot of the bed and Felicity opened her eyes. Bobby and Becca crawled up the bed towards her.

“Hi, mommy,” Bobby whispered. “We’ve come to read you a story.” He sat down next to Felicity and Becca sat on his other side. “Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs,” Bobby read the title of the book he opened on his tablet. He held it at an awkward angle so both Felicity and Becca could see the pictures.

Felicity rolled onto her side facing Becca. Bobby lowered the tablet back to his lap and Felicity studied the fanciful pictures and listened to her son’s voice until her eyes grew heavy and she fell asleep again.

 

**Day 127**

Felicity opened her eyes at the sound of something heavy being placed on the nightstand. What appeared to be a giant metal hand waved at her.

Oliver’s hand trailed from her shoulder to her hip, “Ray sent you something. He’s hoping you can figure out why the neural interface isn’t working.”

Felicity rolled onto her back and covered her face with her arms.

 

**Day 131**

Felicity woke to the sound of Becca’s singing coming through the baby monitor.  She reached for her glasses and saw that it was just after four.  Felicity slipped into her robe and shuffled down the hall to the nursery.

She expected to find Tommy in the nursery with Becca observing Prue and Nate through the bars of their cribs.  Becca was obsessed with the twins.  Instead, she discovered Becca inside Prue’s crib laying on her side, facing her sister.  She was softly singing, _Frosty the Snowman_ , to Prue.  Prue was reaching out her hand and touching Becca’s face. Tommy and Nate weren’t in the room.

Felicity felt two emotions at once - terror and anger.  She ran to Prue’s crib and wrenched Becca from the crib without warning.  She held Becca by her shoulders and shook her.  "What were you thinking?" she shouted.  "You could've hurt the baby.  She just had surgery."

Becca’s face drained of all color, "I was just singing, mommy." The four-year-old’s face crumpled and she began to sob.

"You shouldn't be in the crib.  You're too big," Felicity continued to shout.  "I never want to see you in that crib again.  Do you hear me?"

Tommy ran into the room with Nate his arms.  He took one look at the situation and said sharply, "Felicity."

Felicity glanced at her husband, who was staring at her like he didn't recognize her.  She redirected her attention to Becca who’d gone limp in her arms as she continued to sob.

Tommy returned Nate to his crib and reached his hands out for Becca, "Come here, sweet pea."

Becca clung to her father and sobbed.  Tommy rubbed her back and whispered soothing words.  Prue and Nate began to cry.

"Where were you?" Felicity’s anger continued to boil over. "She could've killed Prue."

Tommy looked at her with disbelief, "I was getting their bottles.  Becca was singing to Prue - it calms her.  I was watching the video monitor.  No one was in danger."

"She had surgery.  Becca can’t be rough with her," Felicity continued to yell.

"What’s going on?" Donna enter the room with Bobby on her heels.

"Becca was in Prue’s crib - with Prue," Felicity informed her mom and waited for her to tell Tommy that he was wrong to indulge Becca.

"I know, it's so sweet.  She’s so gentle with them." Donna kissed Becca’s cheek, "You're such a good big sister."

"I can't believe you," Felicity screamed at her mom in frustration.

Bobby wrapped his arms around Tommy’s waist and buried his face against his dad.

"Stop," Donna said firmly.  "Felicity Megan Smoak, you take a deep breath – stop and think about what you’re saying."

Felicity took a step back at the tone of her mom's voice.

"Bobby, sweetie," Donna handed her grandson a bottle.  "Go sit in the rocker and you can feed your brother."

Bobby sat on the rocker and smiled at his little brother as Donna placed him into his arms.  "Are you hungry Nate?" Bobby asked as he rested the bottle’s nipple against Nate lips.

Donna swayed with Prue in her arms, but she spoke to Felicity, "Baby, go wash your face and have a drink of water."

Felicity looked around the nursery and realized she didn't belong.  Instead of returning to her room, she ran down the stairs, grabbed her keys, tablet and purse from the table, and walked out the front door.  The sun had already set and the street was lit by thousands of twinkling Christmas lights.  The following night was Christmas Eve and all of Starling was ready to shut down for the next two days.  Felicity got into her car and just started to drive.  She was unsurprised that when her car stopped, she was at Verdant.  She checked her tablet and was relieved that the basement was empty.  She needed a little bit of peace so she could think. She felt out of control and at risk of flying apart.

The glow from her monitors was the only light she needed as she walked down the basement stairs.  Felicity shoulders began to relax as she was surrounded by the familiar hum of their underground world.  Despite the occasional unwanted visitor, Felicity always felt safe in the basement.

Since Becca’s birth, Felicity ran most operations from the basement in Cobble Hill.  She joined the guys when they were working a larger case, but for the most part, Overwatch had been separated from the Green Arrow, Spartan and Arsenal.  She missed the comradery of the team from before their lives had all been complicated by marriages and children.  Felicity longed for the days of eating dumplings with the guys after an evening of crime fighting.  She could almost hear their laughter ringing off the walls.

Felicity sat in front of her monitors and woke her system.  She found an encrypted file from Cisco that he needed help decrypting.  She rolled her neck on her shoulders, cracked her knuckles, and got to work. She could still forget her troubles inside lines of code. Ones and zeroes were a great place to hide.

After fifteen minutes, she gave up. Felicity was unable to find the inner calm she needed to focus on the problem in front of her. She began to pace the length of the foundry. She was on her second pass of their lockers when she stopped. She removed a shoebox from the top shelf and carried it back to her workstation. Dozens of letters were neatly lined up inside the box, with two dividers labeled, Robert and Rebecca. She removed the loose stationary and placed it on her desk. She picked up a pen and wrote, Dear Nathaniel and Prudence.

Her pen hovered over the otherwise blank page and she stared at it. She was at a loss for words. Felicity couldn’t think of a thing she wanted to say to the twins. Dropping the pen back onto her desk in frustration, Felicity decided she would read the letters she'd written to Bobby and Becca for inspiration. She almost instantly regretted her decision when it became readily apparent that she didn’t feel the same way about the twins that she had about Bobby and Becca when they were born. The more she read, the worse she felt. She was a terrible mother. Her children deserved better.

Beeps from the alley door unlocking alerted Felicity that her brief respite was over.  She pulled up the external cameras in time to watch Oliver step inside. She shoved the letters and stationary back into the shoebox and dropped it to the floor.

Oliver placed a brown paper bag down on the edge of his worktable and flipped on the small lamp he used when fashioning arrowheads.  He smiled as he approached her, "I passed by Mr. Huong's on the way over and I had a sudden craving for dumplings.  Are you hungry?  I'm starved." He kissed the top of her head before returning to his table.  He removed his navy wool overcoat and his suit jacket.  Oliver unknotted his tie with one hand as he removed six containers from the bag.  Once he removed his tie, he undid his top two buttons and rolled up his sleeves.  "What a day.  It's like everyone needed to have a crisis before the holiday.  I think we should give everyone the last two weeks of the year off, just to avoid the last-minute drama." Oliver handed her a pair of chopsticks and a container.  He pulled a chair over and sat across from Felicity.  He opened his container and plucked a dumpling out with his chopsticks.  He closed his eyes as he placed the dumpling into his mouth.  "I can't remember the last time we had Mr. Huong’s," he said around a mouthful of dumplings.

"Tommy sent you," she said defensively.

"He did - how could he not?" Oliver challenged.  "Do you want to tell me what happened?"

"Becca was in Prue’s crib," Felicity answered.  "Didn't Tommy tell you?"

"Yes, but I want to hear it from your perspective," Oliver said patiently.

"Prue almost died.  She had major surgery. She’s small and weak and frail. Our four-year-old climbed into our four-month-old’s crib.  It was dangerous and careless and Becca should know better. It seems like everyone is condoning this behavior and doesn’t recognize the danger. I’m not wrong."

Oliver stared at her, but didn't speak.

"What?" She snapped.

Oliver shrugged, "You scared our daughter and you haven't asked if she's all right - which leads me to believe that you're not all right."

"I'm fine," Felicity put her opened container next to her keyboard.

Oliver placed a container next to hers.  He rested his elbows on his knees, "Tommy and I disagree.  You're not fine.  We've given you space. What happened with Prue, it put all of us off our game, but something more is going on with you.  If I'm being honest, something has been going on with you since before you came home from the hospital and Tommy and I didn’t want to face it."

Felicity huffed, "I'm not being a good enough wife?  I had a c-section, stopped breathing on the operating table and you’re complaining because I haven't behaved like nothing happened?"

"You are a good wife and Tommy and I love you. We don’t expect you to act like nothing happened. A lot of scary things happened - but lately, your behavior, we don’t recognize you in it."

"I'm not behaving like me?" Felicity laughed bitterly.  "Then who am I behaving like?"

Oliver removed a piece of paper from his wallet.  I found this in your pocket when I went to do laundry.  I looked her up.  Dr. Mathers, she's a psychiatrist who specializes in postpartum depression.  Did you meet with her?"

Felicity swiped the paper from his hands, "You had no business snooping."

Oliver took hold of her hand, "Your wellbeing is very much my business.  I need you to tell me what's going on.  I can’t help you if you don't tell me what's going on."

"Nothing is going on," she pulled her hand free.

"You're sleeping 18 hours a day.  You avoid the twins.  You snap at Bobby and Becca.  You cringe every time Tommy or I touch you."

Felicity snorted, "You think something is wrong with me because I don't want to have sex with you?  Typical."

"I won’t lie, I miss you.  I miss making love to you, so does Tommy, but neither of us are going to pressure you until you're ready.  But, right now, I'm not talking about sex.  I want to hold you, comfort you, but you refuse to let me.  I can't hold your hand.  I can't cuddle with you.  Please, hon, talk to me," tears spilled from his eyes. He took her hand, “I think we should make another appointment with your therapist. Tommy and I will come with you.”

Felicity had to stop herself from pulling free of Oliver’s grip.  "I'm taking new anti-depressants.  They're just taking longer to kick in."

"I think we need to talk to her about changing your dose or switching meds again."

Her heart began to race as she realized a new fear. Oliver and Tommy were giving up on her. They were going to leave her.  "Is Tommy angry with me?  Are you?"

"We're not angry.  We're worried.  What happened today, that's not you.  Maybe we should call this new doctor. We thought your depression was from your anxiety about the twins’ health, but what if we’re treating the wrong thing?  If this doctor’s area of expertise is postpartum depression, I think we should talk to her.  I think we need help."

Felicity couldn't find any words and she just nodded her head.

"Okay.  First thing in the morning, we'll call Dr. Mathers" Oliver squeezed her hand.  "I love you.  We're going to figure this out."

"Okay," she agreed.

"Come on, let's eat," he encouraged.

"I'm not hungry," she responded.

"Hon, you haven’t eaten all day.  You’ve lost so much weight since Prue’s surgery.  Please eat," Oliver handed her a container of dumplings.  "I can get you something else if you don't want dumplings."

Felicity looked down at herself.  Oliver was blind if he thought she'd lost weight.  She felt heavy and sluggish.  She was about to argue with him, but decided against it.  He was looking at her like she might bolt and she was too tired to have another argument.  She opened her container and used her fingers to pick up a dumpling.  Felicity chewed the dumpling and turned up her lips to show pleasure even though it tasted like ash in her mouth.

Oliver appeared to relax and he leaned back in his chair.  "Everything is going to be okay," he promised and put another dumpling into his mouth.

Felicity poked at a dumpling with her choptsticks. She couldn't see how she would ever be okay again. Oliver, Tommy and the kids would be better off without her.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Kudos and comments are always welcomed and appreciated. Hearing from you is my favorite part of the day.
> 
> Big squishy hugs to anyone and everyone who needs one.
> 
> Part 2 of the postpartum fics from Felicity's POV will be up on Wednesday. The next installment will be Felicity hitting rock bottom. Part 3 will be up next Saturday. Felicity will be on the other side of her experience.
> 
> A sneak peek for Wednesday:
> 
> Felicity sat in front of the house for a few minutes as she gathered her thoughts. She could feel herself being watched. Her arrival wouldn’t be a surprise since the guard would’ve called ahead. The front door was already opened as she walked towards the house. She waved at the man leaning in the doorway, “Hi, dad.”
> 
> Noah smiled at her, “Hi, pumpkin.” He stepped further inside to allow her entrance. He took her coat and hung it in the small closet next to the front door. “Would you like something to drink?”
> 
> “Herbal tea would be great,” she said without looking at him. “I need to use the bathroom.”
> 
> He gestured down the hallway. She’d just closed the bathroom door behind her when her cell rang. She pulled her phone from her purse and took a deep breath. “Hi, Tommy,” she said brightly.
> 
> “Where are you?” he asked with concern. “You’ve been gone four hours.”
> 
> She cringed as she heard both twins crying and Becca having a meltdown in the background, “I’m in Lewisburg.”
> 
> “Lewisburg?” he asked with disbelief.
> 
> When he didn’t say anything else she asked, “Tommy, are you still there?”
> 
> “Are you all right?” he asked tightly.
> 
> Felicity rested her forehead against the bathroom door as hot tears fell down her face. He was asking a question she was afraid to answer. “The kids sound like they need you. You better go,” she said in a voice that she knew he would be able to tell that she was crying.
> 
> “They need you,” Tommy sounded like he was crying too. “I need you. Ollie needs you.”
> 
> “Tommy,” she pleaded softly.
> 
> “There is nothing we can’t face together. Please come home,” he said desperately.
> 
> “I’ll be home tonight. It’ll probably be late, don’t wait up.” She wasn’t sure if she was telling the truth about going home. 
> 
> “Felicity,” his voice full of anguish, “I love you. Call me when you’re on your way.”
> 
> “I’ll call in a few hours,” she promised and hung up the phone. It was only after she was washing her hands after using the bathroom that she realized she hadn’t told him that she loved him too.
> 
> Prompt requests are encouraged.
> 
> You can also come say hi to me on tumblr. http://realityisoverrated-fic.tumblr.com


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